Why small dogs are evil

My family has always had golden retrievers. They are large, beautiful dogs which shed a lot. But they are basically good and many of them have a degree of that special something which makes us think of dogs as almost human. Well, in fall of this past year, we lost our last golden retriever to cancer. (Yes I know, very sad, boo hoo) So then I went back to college for the spring semester, and in my absence my family got a new dog, a daschund (blast those German names!) I wonder if this would have happened at all if I had been around to prevent it. And so a great evil was permitted entrance into our house. That's right, I said evil. You know, I expected that I would like this dog. I even wanted to like it. But...I don't. The problem with this particular small dog is that she is very cute in appearance and that saves her from a great many hardships which should have rightly fallen on her by now for her many crimes. For example, she periodically decides to relieve herself on our carpets. This is sometimes for a reason as trivial as being frightened by a clap of thunder, or sometimes for no reason whatsoever. You see the fine person that gave her to us made sure to tell us quite after the fact that this particular breed of dog can never really be potty-trained. Grrreat... For this reason, we spend much of our days occupied in letting her in and out of the house. Furthermore, she is rather neurotic as dogs go. She barks at anyone who comes to the door or near the house or drives by on the street or animals on the TV or animals in the neighborhood and again, sometimes, for no reason at all. She is a rather hostile creature, to all other animals (remember the Kujo entry) especially cats and squirrels. Also, she is much riled by everything that goes on wheels. Once, when I was not yet home again, there was a report of her chasing and biting a girl in the neighborhood because she was on a bike. My sister defended this action, saying the girl deserved it. When asked why, she said it was because the girl had tried to pet her. Imagine, the nerve of some people!

Furthermore, I think what is most distressing and disturbing about this particular dog is the unnatural degree of affection which my mom seems to feel towards her. She will, for example, use the same terms of endearment on us that she uses for the dog. She allows this little creature to totally rule her life, having to go to be very early in the evening so that she can get up at 5 or 6:00 so she can let the dog out. We have to plan our outings around being home in time to feed the dog or let her out again. She spends hundreds of dollars on the dog's medical problems and the dog's training (which didn't work, by the way, she is still quite bratty). The dog sleeps with her in her bed at night. All of this she gets away with because of some dark magic by which she controls the occupants of this house. I fortunately, have not yet fallen under this spell and so I still maintain control over my own faculties. Pray for me friends, that I may have resilience in the face of this four-legged terror.