Grrrrrowl...

Things are not right. It is late. I haven't posted for awhile. I have a vague sense of being off-balance, largely stemming from the worries about things that I have not taken care of yet, may not ever take care of; yes, naturally, it could not be possible to take care of all of these vital "things" in the time which I have allotted to do so, which is why they hound me with nagging little pinpricks on the outskirts of my brain. Then too, I seem to have run into a spat of depression, a place I usually visit after any sort of large life-event like a trip to my city of origin. An ugly place, filled with pet monsters of my own making, a place where everyone seems to hate me for no reason and I'm not so kindly disposed towards anyone myself. A place where my face grows hot with discomfort just from placing the order for the lunchmeat at the grocery store and my sister no longer wishes to carry on certain tuck-in traditions, a clear indicator that she has outgrown any affection for me. A place where I sit in the dark and write musty ramblings to the unforgiving void of cyberspace, in which I begin to feel sure enough of my relative isolation as to be careless with my confidentialities. It is here I can percieve that it is my own voice that tells me the stupid things I keep hearing inside my head, where I know that control is ultimately mine and yet I still can't seem to force the switch to the off position. This is not a cheerful night, as the astute observer will have already gleaned from my tone. I don't know exactly what it is that makes it so, and so it would seem that I have little other choice but to ride it out. I think my feelings about Australia at this point are verging on panic. I don't think I can do this whole thing again, even making it to the plane ride seems like a mini-Odessey. I feel incompetent, incapable and ill-prepared. Will I actually be able to buy my own textbooks (never mind that I have done this successfully already for four semesters straight)? Will I be able to tear myself away from my family? Will I be able to put up with my family until I have occassion to tear myself away? Will I be able to wake up again tomorrow morning, with lungs continuing to breathe and heart continuing to beat until I take on the next task in the long line of demands on my time that consitutes Day 6? Because that is all I can consider right now, breathe in, breathe out and repeat, indefinitely. Honestly, I don't think I could say what it is exactly that I'm so afraid of, it's just Everything, the circumstances which keep collaborating and then swarming out to attack me. Bah. I think I'm gonna go work on that breathing thing some more. (in, out; in, out; in...)